left and right

Left: I am thinking about sending him an email. Or rather about not sending him an email. You gotta talk me down here.

Right: Um. Ok. Although not sure if I am the best person to give advice here. After all, I am kinda involved........

Left: Nevermind. I will talk myself down.

„Nope, not going to write an email.“

I sent the last one and didn´t get an answer. It’s over, right? I mean, whats 398 days, 9600 hours of writing, sighing, pining, crying, 843 pages of mails, letters, 300 hours on skype and 7 weeks non-cyperspace-actual-physical-proximity-looking-into-each-others-eyes-holding-hands-making-love-watching-movies-spent together? No problem – just.......you know, end it with „delete everything“

right: Did you really delete everything?

Left: of course not. But I bet he did. He’s into drastic measures. Although, it’s not gonna help. Unless he has discovered how to erase brain memory.

Right: Ha. Like in „Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind“. But......well........ you obviously miss him.

Left: Miss him??? MISS HIM??? The guy was my ultimate soulmate. He is my soulmate. Nothing can ever change that. MISS HIM?? About 399 times a day (don´t you just love statistics to drive your point home?) when I check my mails, my heart pounds in anticipation to see if the red „one“ or „two“ or „three“ indicating new mail..... if one of those is from him. It’s like I will his name to appear but apparently the mind over matter thing isn’t working so well for me.

Right: Yep. Mailcount has dropped dramatically. All I see in there are mostly newsletters. And the occasional poke from Ros. How long has it been?

Left: don´t wanna know.

Left: Ok. Last mail plonked into my inbox November 10th, 5:01 AM local time which means it was 1:01 PM in Perth – that was the last one I received..... and I go back sometimes, re-reading his words. It started promisingly: “I’m sorry“...........and then it ends on a completely unresolved note. Are we together? Have we split up? Whats the official status? It seems so.......ghostly.....I mean, it’s as if he never existed – as if we never existed.......a facebook movie trivia quiz where we only got 2 out of 10 answers right. „Your compatability sucks“

right: But it was definitely real.

Left: Was it? I don´t know anymore. It’s as if the episode was spongified. Or paper towelified. Or sanitary napkinified. Nothing shows on the outside – it’s all on the inside. Sealed away. All fine and dandy on the surface – inside it’s just yuck.

Right: Hey, remember Back to the Future II? You know, Marty travels to the future to find out that his mom married Buzz which would mean Marty isn’t Marty so he has to travel back to the past to remedy that.....or something.

Left: Err......whats your point?

Right: well, Marty sees his face on photographs slowly fading away as time goes on. Reminds me a bit of your plight. Memories fading........dunno. Just a thought.

Left: so what are you suggesting? Time travel? To be honest, even if it were possible – traveling backwards or forwards – I don´t know if the outcome would be any different.

Why can’t you come up with an analogy from Homer or Socrates or Satre? You know, something that sounds super smart and academic-like.

Right: “Men grow tired of sleep, love, singing, and dancing sooner than war”

Left: Googling doesn´t count. So you saying love is war? Maybe. I sure feel in the midst of a battle – battling against the fading, but it seems to no avail. I mean, I am in this incredibly odd place – tettering between ok-this-is-how-its-going-to-be-now-moving-on and suddenly at random instances being jolted back in a electroshock-therapy sort of way to why-can’t-we-make-this-work?

One stumbles between the daily routine-life-goes-on to hey, wait a minute? Wtf?? We wanted to get married. And knowing who we are – that was huge. I mean, it just seemed like the completely natural thing to do, you know, like drinking coffee in the morning. Sleeping, eating, getting married.

I feel like.........my insides have been blasted away. A nice big round hole where you can see whats going on behind me or whichever way I happen to be facing.

Right: Oceans apart, day after day..........

left: hearing any love song spontaneously makes me cry and barf at the same time – not a pretty sight. Beside the fact that any couple within sight engaged in public displays of affections are just asking for it – like „can you please stop doing that in my face? „

Right: Sure those happy couples just feel sorry for you and think you’re some bitter spinster.

Left: whatever. You just don´t do that to all us truly poor creatures who have no one to hold hands with and kiss at random moments.

Right: so you are bitter.

Left: I am not bitter. I get on perfectly well on my own. If I really desperately wanted someone, I’d just go to bars and stuff. I mean, hell, thats how lots of people do it.

Right: sure.

Left: actually anything I read about, or hear in the news about makes me sad. I always shared all my thoughts with him.......everything! We talked about everything. Makes me incredibly sad. Bottomless pit sad. Infinite black hole sad. And thats a whole lot of sad.

Right: Understandable losing a part of yourself......

Left: No. I still am me. I will always be me. It’s just that I´ve lost the person who made me better, who inspired me, who made me smarter, who made me beautiful, who made me translucent.......but well......doesn’t do any good, does it? At least I don´t think me writing him now will do any good – I mean,
the crux of our discussion..........I just don´t think I should be the first to write. I did write him several mails after his last one and got no answer. The ball is in his court.

Right: true. But didn´t you say once you´d never play "games"? That sounds alot like adhering to some rules out of "He´s just not that into you" (which - to be fair - maybe he isn´t)

Left: Its not about games. Its about self-respect. Gotta have some self-respect here.

Right: maybe its just better this way. If he doesn´t love you, then well, let it rest.

left: Exactly. Thats why I won´t write. I told him I´d always be here. I told him quite clearly I´d always be the one who loves him.

I cannot believe he never loved me, I cannot believe he doesn´t think about me......no? I mean, all that raw love emotion stuff expressed through so many channels.........plus the fact I´d appreciate a bit of suffering on the other end (yeah, I know – I´m a bitch)

Right: I think the intensity might have been the ultimate dealbreaker. You guys were like Romeo&Juliet-Othello&Desdemona-Tristan&Isolde- Heloise&Abelard all rolled into one. And look what happened to them - death, poison, rage, jealousy, miscommunication.

Left: True. None of them lived happily ever after.

Right: thats a revelation.

Left: Shut up. I’m doing my best here. I grew up with the firm belief there are happy endings. And in a way, I still believe there are happy endings. Maybe just not in the classical sense ie Hollywood style.

Right: So it should be a consolation that you´ve known true love.

Left: How can that be a consolation? To have experienced it only to have it taken away?? I don’t even know why we are broken up. Its like a vicious circle! Ok - yes, there is true love. Yes, I found true love. Then WHY OH WHY can´t we make it happen? WHY?? I don´t get it!!! Its the 21st century for chrissake.

right: Have you ever considered the option that you aren’t the one for him?

Left: Not really. If I really am not the one – then a loud and clear red alert email, phone call or text message stating one or all of the below:
a. „I don´t love you“
b. „You don´t care enough“
c. „I can´t take this long distance relationship thing“
d. „I am from another planet and need a fellow from-another-planet-person to engage with“

Right: I´ll go with „d“.

Left: Yeah, I´m thinking the same thing. Besides I am from another planet too! We are perfect for each other! Doesn´t detract nor distract from the fact that for me – he was the one. And will always be the one. And I am trying to come to terms with that fact.

Meaning, I have to live the rest of my life with a bleeding heart. How absurdly kitsch is that? Knowing my person exists but we can´t seem to make it happen? Yes, there is that one true love and he is alive on the other side of the planet but we will never be together? And with that knowledge, I get to spend the rest of my life.......alone??? Sorry, I´d rather not have known.

Right: look at the bright side - you are used to being alone. Shorter transition period.

Left: great. Thanks. Feel alot better. So now what?

Right: Smoking or non-smoking?

Left: Take a wild guess.