You see, this phone system consists of a multibillion-dollar matrix of space-age technology that is so sophisticated, even we can't handle it.

Ok.

They going to allow the use of mobile phones on airplanes.

Now I ask you: why?

It’s a simple question: why?

I will tell you why. Of course I will.

Some conniving middleclass pretend capitalist person lobbied the airlines and made them drool with the thought of all that potential cash. (guess they´re not earning enough selling what used to be free bad food) Caught their attention which of course couldn´t have been too difficult since they are in a bit of a downwind. And with fuel prices soaring, times are tough.

Have been ever since 9/11 when the thought of having your plane diverted into a skyscraper still keeps some people at home. Not enough, if you ask me.


The decision means that mobiles could be used once a plane has reached an altitude of 3,000m or more. *

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! (think Raymond from Rainman – when he freaked out) That basically means, pretty much after the wheels have left the ground, people are going to start pulling out their phones.

No, wait, they didn´t even put them away.

"I also call on airlines and operators to create the right conditions on board aircraft to ensure that those who want to use in-flight communication services do not disturb other passengers," *



Um, ok. How are they going to do that? Provide phone booths? Or head bubbles that potential talkers have to put over their heads like a diving bell? Excellent. Should work out just fine in economy class. Now, there won´t only be a battle for the arm rest, but for head space as well. Plus the fact that bashing someone over the head with their phone won´t work – because they´ll be protected. Futile.

I just realized something: bashing people wearing tin head gear will work just fine – the clanging might render them deaf. Or electrocute them or something.

I will keep bashing away until they come to arrest me. Or something bad happens. Which ever comes first.



The first flights offering calls could start as early as next month.*

Firstly, poor people don’t need to speak on planes because nothing they´ve got to say is important. C´mon, its true. And any business person traveling, well, can use email. Its silent. Besides, the higher up on the importance scale, the more slave labor they have chained to their desk anyways. Assistants need a chance to make important decisions while the boss is in the sky. How else can their under used brain mass be challenged? Or, their true potential be discovered if not under the duress of making a really important decision?

You could argue in favor of the text message. But seeing and hearing someone taping away on their phone like a engrossed goldfish who´s just learned to type is minimally less annoying.


The cost of making a mobile phone call from a plane will be higher than making one from the ground.*

Even if they charge us $10 per minute, people are not going to be able to resist.

I mean, seriously, why is the last bastion of relative peace being wrested from our greedy little hands?

If your plane is being hijacked or something, well then everybody will use their phones anyways. You know – alert the authorities. And they´ll come and shoot the plane down. See? I told you its not a good idea.

The common courtesy gene is recessive.

How else can you explain being subjected to random completely retarded useless conversations.

“Hello darling. Although I just left five minutes ago, do you already miss me?“

“What color is your underwear? ”

“No, I did´t cheat on you last night”

"How did your colonoscopy go?"

"I only had 2 beers."

"Did you look under the bed? "

"He bowled a 37. Loser. "

"Curly fries or wedgies?"

Its everywhere. All public transportation is infected, in supermarkets, at the movies, at concerts, in department stores, on the street, in cafes, in restaurants, bars……..you name it – yep, silly people talking LOUDLY. Pandemic.

Its noise pollution. And radiation pollution as well. You know, brain tumors. Embrace second-hand smoke I say.

I don´t seriously care that I am tidal-waved with stupid speakers all day while earth-bound - but please, Captain Jack, have mercy on us.

Wasn´t it a blessing in disguise? That peace and non reachability on planes? Letting your thoughts bounce along the fluffy clouds?

I know – someone pulls out their phone and starts talking, I am just going to light up. Hows that for smoke in someone´s face.

We´ll see who wins.


*comments in boldface courtesy of BBC news from the 7th April 2008