Thank you for your interest in US Taxpayer money.

Incompetence brought you to your knees? Not a problem. In fact, thats our specialty! Simply fill out this one-page four section questionaire and send with a self-addressed stamped envelope to Hank Paulsen. Please note we cannot consider applications under $10 billion.

Application for the Federal Bail Out Program, 2008-2009
Please note: act quickly, funds are running out due to extreme popularity


Dear Corporate Scion:
Thank you for your interest in the new, improved Federal bailout plan program. In order to facilitate this process, we´ve designed this short, one-page application. It’s so simple, and easy to use that even Skadden Arps should bill no more than $2.7 million to review it. Upon completion, please return this form to the Department of the Tresury, c/o Hank Paulson, via fax, email or Fed-Ex. And again, thanks for your interest in “US Taxpayer Cash”.










Section One: Tell us a little something about yourself (please print)

Your name:

What business are you in? (please check only one)

Automotive
Financial Services
Other
Not Sure
Number of employees:
Annual compensation (please round up to nearest million):
Is your company presently bankrupt?
Is bankruptcy an option?

Section Two: Tell us about a little something about yourself:

So, like, how much money do you really need? (please round up to the nearest billion)

Do you have a business plan for spending this money?
Yes
no
let me get back to you on that


In the unlikely event we don´t give you the money, please tick the box which best describes the consequences for the American, or better yet, Global economy:
Dire
Catastrophic
The end of the world as we know it according to Prof. Brinkman

Section Three: Tell us a little bit more about your business and why you need the money

Automotive:
well, even the use of lots of nice, black shiney SUV’s in all those Ridley Scott, Bond and Bourne films (not to mention The Kingdom and all those Arab states) didn´t help.I´d say its not easy to run an industry with this much tradition and power off the cliff. So give us some credit (both in the literal and practical sense)

Bank or financial institution: Money makes the world go round.Nuff said. We need more.

Other business: we are working on a keen and futuristic 900.0 business plan.

Section Four: Administrivia aka cut to the kill – the practical stuff.

Once your funds are approved, please indicate how you would like to receive them:

Self-picker-upper please note- depending on the amount, you might want to consider using your private jet and hiring some bodyguards

Bank Transfer: please note there will be a transaction fee of 5% payable directly to Mr. Paulson

Money Order/Check: please note, checks will not be sent to PO boxes within the US


Your Signature:
Date:
Please check here for donations to the Bush Legacy:

FORM EZ-CASH, Dept of the Tresury, 1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washingtton, DC 2ß220 (202) 622-2000 Rev 6, 01/2009